Mental Health Challenge: Relationships #1

I think it goes without saying mental health greatly affects our relationships with others.  For me it's one of the most frustrating aspects of having a mental illness. I accept who I am for the most part, but it's terribly hard to accept that these parts of me that I do not want have the power to affect my relationships with those I hold so dear to my heart.

Regardless of mental health status, I feel that everyone is constantly growing as a person. Some more than others. Others are more active in their eagerness to continuously evolve into the person they know they can become, while the rest are on the sidelines or possibly haven't graduated into a certain level of maturity.

When we actively pursue treatment to gain the strength needed to take back our lives we learn things. Invaluable things about ourselves. Like how did we get so far down in the first place? How do we communicate more effectively? How do we set personal boundaries, while also respecting the boundaries of others? I have learned an unimaginable amount  of information about myself over the years, and I feel that had I not been forced to really look these issues in the eye and proactively find solutions to my own personal problems that I would have never even walked this territory. So it feels good. I may not have been "cured", but can say with 100% honesty that I am a better person today then I was a year ago, or the year before that.

With all of the ups and downs, it can be really hard to stay focused on the "ups", especially for those who are around us on a daily basis. They might remember the let-downs and frustrations more than we do. If this happens, it can trigger a relapse, depression, guilt and other painful emotions that we work so hard to unglue ourselves from. 

What can we do when this happens? Cultivate empathy. I know, it sounds like....more work. Haven't we got enough on our plates already? Yes we do, but we cannot expect the ones we love to just keep paddling with us and not become affected some how, even when things are running smooth. I think this is also when we need to call in forgiveness, not just for the other person but for yourself. If you are harboring resentments and frustrations, the last thing you want to do is comfort another person. Guess what? They feel the same way. So meet in the middle on common ground and find the positive. There is always positive. If we focus on the negative, we will make more negativity. 

Living with a mental illness is a complex thing. Being in a relationship is a complex thing. These two can occur simultaneously and peacefully. With some work, communication, education and love we can do more than cope....we can live, love, gain strength and create lasting positive memories. (Tips to come)

The next post in this series will be dealing more specifically with different relationships. Are you a parent or a child of a parent with a mental illness? Stay tuned for Relationships #2.

STIGMA

"It's all in your head."

Mental health stigma cuts deep. Affecting confidence, self-esteem, self-stigma (yes we stigmatize ourselves) and reaching treatment goals. Those with mental illnesses that affect their behavior are more stigmatized than others, because people can actually "see" the illness.

I wonder as an anxiety-panic person, what it is people actually think of me? I shouldn't care because it's none of my business but when the day is done, guess what? I do care. I have only been called a few names in the book, but it's mostly how others behave towards me that suggest how they really feel.

I am pretty good at hiding how I feel when I need to. We become better actors with time. Emotions and things of the mind are not on everyone's "comfortable" list. So naturally we try to cover it up. I myself will try to minimize things, keeping the hairy growling beast deep down in my gut where I think it belongs.

Going back to what's visible and what is not... A mental illness is never "all in someone's head". A mental illness affects the entire being; body, soul and mind. When I hear of someone who has breast cancer, I don't think or say, "it's all in their breast"! The brain is a vital organ, hidden behind the scenes controlling every single thing our bodies do. Every task, every step, every word, our breath, our heart beat. There's nothing this lean mean jelly machine cannot do! Unfortunately it gets sick too. It doesn't always function the way it should.

The only way I know how to end mental health stigma is education. I believe this is not just the responsiblity of the medical community. Those who suffer from mental illness are the number one scholars on this topic. We know more about our mental health and it's effects better than anyone.

Keeping our struggles and demons hidden does not make us any stronger. Real strength comes through courage and honesty. I'm not saying to go have a heart to heart with anyone who will listen, but be aware for those opportunities to speak up.

The Huffington Post has some great articles on mental health stigma if you'd like to read more on this challenge.

Procrastination

"If you want to make an easy job seem mighty hard, just keep putting off doing it." ~Olin Miller

In my research on procrastination I have found that I do not procrastinate because I have a mental illness, but because I do have a mental illness means I am more susceptible to procrastination.

Everyone procrastinates from time to time. I find this to be much of a daily challenge for me, so I went off in search of help....

First I wanted to try to figure out why people procrastinate and how is it linked to mental illness.
Procrastination can be made worse by depression. Having depression can make it hard to even get out of bed in the morning, so it makes sense that procrastination and depression go hand in hand. If I didn't feel like getting out of bed, of course I don't feel like exercising, calling the bank or even cooking dinner.

Another factor is perfectionism and irrational thinking. If I can't get it ALL done today exactly this or that way then what's the point? I think we set ourselves up for disastrous procrastination with this thinking. If you don't believe you can accomplish something, you probably won't. 

ADHD can play a role in procrastination as well as self-sabotaging behavior. Or as my mom would call it a "fear of success". Sounds crazy, but it's not. I think some fear that if they happen to finally get things together, achieve order and feel somewhat in control that it won't last and they will ultimately end up feeling like a failure. So how do we prevent ourselves from feeling that way? Don't do it, or find a way to mess it up! Not healthy or functional, but very true and hard to recognize and stop. It's all about comfort and fear.

So what will help? Here are some ideas:

-Break a larger project down into small steps/goals
-Focus on starting, rather than the task itself. 
-Do not focus on how things "should" be, or "should've been". Shoulda woulda coulda
-Create a To-Do list (number it by priority, do the important stuff first)
-Set a time frame for your list. "Pay the water bill by Friday" or "Clean the bathroom after lunch"
-Set a timer for annoying tasks, you never know you might catch motivation fever and keep going!
-Use the "2 minute rule" found Here
-Change your environment
-Minimize distractions
-Call in some help
-Watch your self-talk, are you over-complicating things?


Are there any tips or tools you use? Care to share and drop a comment!